I keep saying I am a glutton for punishment, but a friend rephrased that and told me that it seems that I thrive on chaos. It’s totally true. I am running on fumes most days. Completely out of fuel, exhausted to the bone, but I crave the insanity that is my life. I don’t know if you know, but I have only slept through the night a handful of times since Baker was born (the exception being that I am out of town.) You read that correctly, Baker… not Brody. The middle velcro baby who never slept until he was like 3. And then right when he figured it out, we had another baby who also didn’t enjoy sleeping all night, or at least in his own bed. Throughout all of this, Lexi, our 14.5 year old yorkie, kept getting older, and her bladder smaller and weaker, and my nights of sleeping just kept shrinking.

So, I went to therapy and she told me, “Abby, it’s time to get them out of your room. You are using them to avoid connections.” So, like a good student, I did. I rearranged furniture and beds and got all three kids sleeping through the night in their own beds/rooms. It was 7-10 nights of glorious, out cold, can’t hear a peep, deep REM sleep. It was heavenly .

And then we got a puppy.

I am sure I agreed to a dog because I also agreed that it was time to have a partial hysterectomy and it’s probably mentally connected that I can no longer have babies and I decided to deal with it by getting a cute, fluffy, dog. I’m no therapist, but I’ll ask mine tomorrow and see if she agrees.

I keep telling myself I can do hard things. But I really just want to take a smallish nap or two.

Today, Mollie and I gathered things for our resurrection garden that we make on Good Friday. As we gathered dirt and leaves and rocks, I wondered what Jesus was feeling as the events led up to His crucifixion. Was He too running on fumes? Tired and exhausted both mentally and physically? He knew what needed to be done. But was He thriving on the chaos around Him? I’m not sure exactly how Jesus felt, but I know He knows exactly how I feel and how you may feel. Sometimes the weight of the world seems to come crashing down. The great responsibility of raising tiny humans and keeping a clean house and clothes and feeding the humans and staying somewhat sane. I am so thankful that Jesus gave His life on that Friday, because even amongst the chaos and the crazy, I know that Sunday IS coming. And I can rest in that. And you can too.